Cultivating Hope With Child Abuse Survivors
Watering the Cracks in the
Sidewalk
Connie Robillard, MA, LCMHC, NCC
Authors:
Marcel A. Duclos, Lorraine Lordi & Connie Robillard
Abstract:
In excerpts from their book, the authors
share their experience of listening
inward to exiled child parts that were
encapsulated in their bodies. Over the
years they have allowed those exiles to
speak, documented their experiences and
unburdened the residuals of childhood
trauma.
In this book they share their
journeys.
The
authors’ goal is to speak on behalf of
children still caught in the needless,
steadily increasing epidemic of child
abuse. They hold the belief that
awareness, consciousness and knowledge
will help parents and care givers save
children from
perpetrators
and be unintentionally retraumatized by
those of us whose goal it is to help.
“The human mind is naturally divided
into parts. The parts of one person
demonstrate different temperaments,
talents desires, ages and gender.
Together they form an internal family,
which organizes in the same way as other
human systems.”
Richard Swartz & Regina Goulding - The Mosaic
Mind, 1995
Beyond Our Two Stories: Trends in Our
Current Culture:
-
52% of maltreated children in this
country suffered neglect, 25%
physical abuse, 13% sexual abuse, 5%
emotional abuse, and 14% other forms
of maltreatment.
More than half the children
were under the age of 8; 26% were
younger than 4.
About 52% of the victims were
girls; 47% were boys. (Nation’s
Health, 1997)
-
At least 20% of American women and 5
- 10% of men have been sexually
abused as children. (Finkelhor,
1994).
-
Family members constitute 30 – 50%
of the perpetrators against girls,
and 10 – 20% of the perpetrators
against boys.
-
In 2002, 2.6 million reports
concerning the welfare of 4.5
million children were made.
(Vincent Iannelli, MD, 2007).
-
84% of all suspected abuse cases in
schools are never reported. (Education,
2006).
-
According to a recent
University
of
New
Hampshire
study, one in five children face
online solicitation (Paul Grendon,
May, 2008)
The Twelve Year Old Part of the Girl
Speaks
The name might as well have been
tattooed to my forehead, “chubette.” I
was it. In my mind I was the fat girl in
slippery, patent leather shoes,
moving uncertainly among the real people
– the thin people.
The part of me that held this
memory told me the story of a teacher
long forgotten.
My sixth grade home economics teacher
measured my hips as we laid out a
pattern for the purple baby doll pajamas
that I would make for my eighth grade
sewing project.
“You should be ashamed of
yourself” she said, as her pendulous
breasts swayed in front of me.
In that moment I was ashamed that
I wasn’t ashamed. She was a huge woman
with a round corseted body. My twenty
two inch waist and thirty four inch bust
was larger than the other girls – so in
her mind I should be ashamed.
All year I watched the big bottomed
teacher move around the room so tightly
wound from the waist down she looked, to
me, like she was cast in concrete. If
she wasn’t embarrassed about her size
and I was supposed to be, then I must be
something awful to see. As I surveyed
her body, the thought of my largeness
mortified me. I wanted to stay home,
hidden away from sight. That was the
year that I began to cover my body,
hiding it away from the part of me that
was now seeded with what was to become
my own inner body critic.
Added to sexual abuse, verbal or
emotional abuse simply becomes one more
humiliating secret at all ages and
stages of life."
Therapist’s Point of View
Children have limited life experience.
They count on adults to tell them the
truth. The critical voice of an adult
can over power a child. Like a sponge,
the child soaks in the adult’s opinion,
believing it to be the truth.
The critical voice, now
encapsulated within the child, repeats
the verbal abuse. As the child grows,
the voice grows with her, becoming a
sophisticated, internal, nagging self
torturer.
Self
Discovery
What would happen if we, as much as
possible, nourished children from our
core Selves. Caring for them with
clarity, curiosity, compassion,
confidence, creativity, courage and
connectedness?
How would your family change? How
would your community, this country and
the world change?
How would you change?
Discussion Questions
Think about a time in your life when an
adult, unknowingly, handed you a
distorted view of yourself. Take a
breath and notice – where does that part
live in your body?
Place your hand gently on the part of
your body that holds the memory. Let
this part know you are there to listen
and help. Listen in, write down its
story and bring compassion to this young
inner child. Let it know you will be
back later to help it unburden.
A Young Part of the Boy Speaks
I am thirteen years old.
When I measure and weigh myself
with my leather ski boots on, I am five
feet two and tip the scale at
ninety-eight pounds.
I will be going away to prep
school in the fall.
My mother prays that I will
become a priest.
With a new moon and only one lit street
lamp to cast a shadow of the house in
the back yard, I brave the darkness and
slip myself into the tent my family gave
me for graduation.
It’s ten-thirty when I put down
my book and shut off my flashlight.
My eyes are slamming shut.
I feel myself go off to sleep to
the sounds of the crickets.
“Can
I come in?” whispers Ron, shaking the
pup tent and waking me out of a dream.
Ron is a trusted neighbor and my
sister’s music teacher.
“What
do you want?
What are you doing here?” I ask.
Before I realize it, he is in the tent.
“There’s only room for one in here,” I
protest.
I can feel my throat clamp shut.
I can’t speak.
I can’t breath.
Within the boy a managerial, protective
part grew. It had a job, to keep people
out, to keep the boy and his parents
safe and to protect the child from
feeling the impact of sexual abuse.
Therapist Point of View
Like any addiction the needs of
perpetrating parts can be unpredictable
and insatiable. The confusing aspect of
pedophilia is that child molesters have
positive, engaging qualities.
Many
perpetrators once were child abuse
victims. If we review the theory of the
multiplicity of the mind we can see that
perpetrator parts take over, are taken
in as introjects, eclipsing the
personality. Emotional parts of the
child abuser, encapsulated within
his/her body at risk of being triggered
by external stimuli. What if it were
possible to unburden perpetrator parts?
To date, treatment methods for
pedophilia have failed. It is up for
debate whether perpetrating parts can be
successfully unburdened. Until then the
only answer our society has come up with
is identification and attempts to keep
children safe. Our current efforts are
failing and the numbers of victims
continue to grow.
Discussion
Scan your body for parts that are
triggered by the boy’s story. Take time
to notice where these sensations live
within you.
Are
there parts that resonate with the boy?
Are there polarized parts that hold
aspects of an inner perpetrator?
Perpetrator parts may surface as
anger, impatience or intrusiveness with
others.
Give your internal parts time to write
or draw their feelings on a piece of
paper. Maybe it will be a picture,
colors or shapes– Whatever parts are
present and willing to participate in
this exercise, thank them.
Let them know that you take them
seriously and you will return to help
them unburden or find a therapist to
work with them.
The goal of this book is to bring
awareness and understanding to the
struggles of children and to illuminate
the long term effects of child abuse.
The authors of this book challenge you
to think differently about the treatment
of PTSD and Complex Trauma, prevention
and solutions.
This book will be available for purchase
at the 2010 USABP Conference. Marcel and
Connie will be presenting the
Multiplicity of the Mind Workshop.
Resources:
www.eventidecounseling.com
www.thecenterforselfleadership.com
Biography
Connie Robillard, MA, private
practice as a psychotherapist in
Londonderry
NH.
Marcel A Dulcos,
M.Th. M.Ed., Clinical Director,
Northland Family Help Center,
Flagstaff AZ.
Lorraine
Lordi, M.Ed.
Author,
educator at Hesser College and writing
groups.
