Some couples never seem to really argue or have big fights, but they bicker back and forth about which is the "right way" to hang up a roll of toilet paper, which mustard is better; brown or yellow, or who should get up with the baby, feed the cat or get to control the TV remote. Sound familiar?

(I believe that everyone should get their turn to control the TV remote, I think it is a constitutional right or at least should be).

As Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" and sometimes an argument is just as simple as a bad day. Most of the time we can laugh over the silliness of the small disagreements that filter into an otherwise harmonious relationship. There are times in some couple relationships, when things like the toilet paper roll seem huge and critically important. The situation becomes larger than life, too big to handle. That too-big feeling may be a signal that there are feelings that we have not been able to express. It becomes easier to argue over every day events than to address the real problems and deeper issues.

How can we tell the difference between just a bad day and problems between ourselves and others? We feel the difference. After talking and sharing ideas and feelings, we feel renewed if the relationship is healthy. If a relationship needs work - we may feel that nothing was accomplished, we feel that we weren't heard or may even feel worse. There is a technique called "active listening" - where we make a commitment to listen to the other person for 15 minutes. During this time we promise to shut off the TV, not interrupt and respond with kindness. It is amazing what 15 minutes a day can do to mend hurt feelings between us and the ones we love.

Marcel Duclos and Connie Robillard provide conjoint couples counseling. E-mail us at Connierobillard@aol.com